10:09:49 enable, and then we're gonna go record
10:10:02 Okay, good morning. This is Donna Bleton and my wonderful son Delton.
10:10:12 Okay, coming together today to talk about Essay safety and a tool we're creating, called the Safety Wheel.
10:10:24 What would you like to save Just hi, hello and welcome wherever and whenever you are M.
10:10:33 Elden. And yeah, really excited to go into like safety as a as both a concept and a state.
10:10:41 That I personally am obsessed with and have been.
10:10:48 I was Actually, I was like realizing he was yesterday. X.
10:10:52 Safety has been my mind a lot so we've been working on the safety wheel which we'll we'll share in this in this episode, and we'll actually have like a a a one pager including the wheel that'll
10:11:05 be available for anybody that's listening to this as a downloadable and there's more resources that we're building out around this that are coming shortly.
10:11:12 Just putting that up front. so keep an eye out. Information will be in in the show notes.
10:11:19 As well as on our website at Www. W. W. W. W.
10:11:23 W. wired for connection life. again, that'll be linked so I've been sitting with this with safety a lot lately, and I realized it was like, Oh, wow!
10:11:33 I think i've been obsessed with safety like most of my life.
10:11:37 And was actually recalling, like a particular experience around mountain biking where I can remember.
10:11:47 It was very early in my years of mountain biking, which was like a center point for my life.
10:11:52 For a lot of years. and I can remember it was the first time I went down a particular section of a particular trail in Pacifica where I had to.
10:12:01 I had to go over a log that was facing downhill, and it was like, I can remember going over the log.
10:12:09 Okay, First off, I can remember psyching myself to go up and over the log, and it took a while.
10:12:14 I was terrified, did not feel safe doing this my body was getting me all kinds of signals.
10:12:18 Don't do this, don't do this and when I went over the log.
10:12:22 I froze, and just to put this in context I'm going down a steep hill.
10:12:29 Awful logar in the air, followed by a steep hill and other implements.
10:12:34 All over. the place is jumps and stuff and I froze It's a really bad time to freeze, and ended up like getting her like going off like head over heels down the hill.
10:12:45 I was just realizing i'm like wow like back then, like my early relationship with mountain biking was a relationship of learning how to feel safe when I didn't.
10:12:57 And then anyway. I think that that i'm showing that example just because it feels alive for me, and I think i'll bring it back in again, and a little bit.
10:13:06 But, mom, what I wanted to to touch base with you around is like, So what is safety to you?
10:13:15 And how do you experience it? safety to me is when I feel inside my body, in my mind, in my emotions.
10:13:29 And in my physiology calm and centered able to breathe freely.
10:13:41 Able to look around where I am and feel that anything that's around me is open spacious accepting. so I guess it would be a state of accepting internally whatever is happening as well as externally and in talking
10:14:05 about safety or thing about safety. we've been doing this wheel What I keep coming back to is my concept of that we each have a higher self.
10:14:14 That is, observing the that's the feelings the body physiology, and that when i'm in touch with that aspect, I might be having a thought of feeling, or body, physiology, tension which was to me is the opposite of safety
10:14:33 tension is scared or tight or constricted that when I breathe into that and breathe into my higher self, and make sure that there is I'm connected to hire yourself I also feel safe okay, it's interesting.
10:14:55 There's 2 levels for me there's the body safe and then there's how yourself safe
10:15:05 Okay, So I I like what you just brought in So you started by describing like body safe.
10:15:13 And then went into like maybe a moment when your body doesn't feel safe where you can connect into something that supports you in creating safety for yourself.
10:15:24 I think it's a really valuable tool and I feel like it's important to acknowledge that that tool.
10:15:35 Well one, it takes a lot of practice to be able to use that and the other thing that comes in is like I.
10:15:46 I feel like sometimes. For myself, I have used that type of tool to fake safety as opposed to create safety.
10:15:56 Yeah, I I have it a little different I hold on i'm talking to my experience.
10:16:02 So when right, there. right that's that like for me, that constriction feels that's that's unsafe to me. right?
10:16:09 Thank you. So this is great. so get to bring it. Bring it out.
10:16:14 So for me, in my experience, I can bypass my body and use my my higher mind concepts to generate what I, when I quote quote these in quotes, think is safe.
10:16:32 My body may or may not actually be along for the right I'm gonna bring this back into mountain biking. right?
10:16:40 So I race downhill competitively up to the professional level like 15 year career right in that time.
10:16:47 There's there's something that's called writing scared and when you're writing scared you basically like you're you're stiff you're not fluid but you can trick yourself I can trick myself
10:17:01 into thinking that I'm okay even when we body is not Okay, and in that I put myself into situations that aren't safe for myself, because I'm not actually caring for my safety.
10:17:17 I do the same thing in relationships. I can be in a place where I feel safe enough to stay in the relationship in that moment.
10:17:28 Right, so say, like i'm in an argument with my partner I can trick myself into thinking that I am safe because I have the capacity to disconnect from my body physiology by just going if i'm just going up
10:17:44 to higher mind state right, and I want to clarify I I know that may not be what you're saying right like what I heard you say is higher power.
10:17:52 So we're thinking like source energy, God energy like whatever someone's words might be around that, and that is different.
10:18:00 But also like can be similar. So it's like what's one step short of that is the thinking myself into safety, and I bring that in because that's something that is a pitfall for me is that landing and
10:18:11 making sense for you, it does. and Thank you for stopping me when I was intruding on your presentation.
10:18:21 And now I want to come back to my experience of what you're talking about is another part.
10:18:28 It is not how yourself it's a part that says buddy i'm sorry you're scared.
10:18:34 I still wanna do this and i'm gonna do it because I i'm going to take control of my mind and i'm a mind part that is taking control of any scared parts or the body that's scared and saying i'm
10:18:46 good at I i'm gonna overrule all of you and drive this body down this hill that to me is not how yourself that is.
10:18:57 Another mightset, and you know I love i'm just learning from Rebridge.
10:19:03 This whole comedic philosophy of Mentalism. And how what we do with our minds is we create realities.
10:19:14 But to me the higher self is beyond what's the the human mind is creating.
10:19:24 I don't know if I can say that very well, but and yeah, I mean that that lands it lands for me.
10:19:35 Okay, So you brought in this idea of parts and it's something that we've talked about on the podcast before.
10:19:43 And I know I know what you're talking about but do you think you could just bring that to life a little bit more.
10:19:46 Just like what our parts, and how do they? How do they come about?
10:19:50 And act. certainly. So this is there's different theories about parts in the psychological world.
10:20:00 My latest training has been through the internal family system method.
10:20:05 No linguistic programming is to talk about this there's lots of different.
10:20:09 So in my humble way that I define it it's that we have a higher self.
10:20:15 Then we have parts that are both protector parts to keep us alive safe. or in this case, following goals that we really want, and protective parts come in 2 forms.
10:20:31 One is called managers will manage all the others and the other call firefighters, which are when we're freaked out.
10:20:40 We will go to some extreme. When we're feeling really unsafe, we will go to some extreme and firefighters don't care about the aftermath.
10:20:47 They just care about the danger perceived by the the, the body, mind, the body, mind, emotions.
10:20:59 And there's usually a lot of cleanup after that and then we have younger, more vulnerable parts that are yeah needing to be listened to cared about and typically repented because they get stuck in time
10:21:21 when scary, dangerous, hurtful, sad, overwhelming things happen.
10:21:28 There are parts from in utero on that gets stuck in time, and frozen in time, and then will create fears or a versions or behaviors that compel us, and we don't even know why they feel very out
10:21:46 of control. So the protectors are protecting those vulnerable little ones.
10:21:50 And then the higher self is when it says hey? i'm here I I can help you with these.
10:21:55 We can free up the body, we can free up the mind.
10:21:58 We can free up free up the emotions there are many burden beliefs about oneself, or the world that come out of woundings that weren't known how to be tended to in our growing up years So that's how I
10:22:12 think of parts and there's lots of different ideations of that out in the world, sure sure.
10:22:19 And so just to reflect and and respond what i'm hearing. Now I want to bring in a safety wheel here in a minute, because everything that you just said like is like very aligned with with what we've been creating
10:22:33 So you talked about 5 fighters and managers.
10:22:39 The manager's piece I want to like push on a little bit, but i'm not going to yet.
10:22:43 I I have resistance being managed in general internally, and externally go for so, and I just i'm putting that here.
10:22:56 But so firefighters to me are like just pieces so it's like a persona that I go into when I'm feeling unsafe when something has to change for me to be to be safe right right so it's a
10:23:13 reactionary right? So this is where like we have, like the fight flight, Free user fawn response is engaged, and I know that, like I have to do something to create safety.
10:23:23 Right now It has to happen now it's not a thought it's a reaction.
10:23:26 It's like a it just it comes up right so like that being a protector, part right?
10:23:31 And then like when I think of managers, or like, I think I like the word nurtures or like cultivators like.
10:23:41 If i'm thinking of like someone that wants to proactively, so responsively like they feel capable, they know what to do.
10:23:51 They know how to do it, and they can do it before before so it's like it's like with my daughter.
10:23:56 Right so like i'm gonna externalize this right so my daughter is a child.
10:24:00 She's 6 and a half I can watch her behavior and know.
10:24:05 Oh, she needs to eat some protein right now. Otherwise we're gonna have a meltdown right. she needs she needs.
10:24:11 She needs some stabilizing food right and that's some things like that would be like the manager or the nurture.
10:24:16 That's going to so like for myself like it's like I'm.
10:24:20 In a conversation with my partner, I can feel myself starting to get elevated.
10:24:24 If if my nurture protective part is capable of stepping in it's gonna be like hey?
10:24:30 I'm gonna take a deep breath i'm gonna pause for a second, so that the firefighter doesn't have to come out right.
10:24:37 I I think I would define this nurture you're talking about More is your higher stuff telling the manager I got this.
10:24:44 You don't have to manage it by you know in the tension that your body feels.
10:24:53 I I do believe, though, that managers think ahead they go okay.
10:24:57 It's been 2 h. she will not have eaten for 2 h.
10:25:00 I better have protein snacks in the car Let's say when I get her from school
10:25:05 So this idea of a manager, it's kind of interesting because the higher self to me is the the nurture.
10:25:16 Not that the managers can't be nurturing, but they they really come more out of protection and attention for lack of a better way, and maybe that's what you're talking about to me feels more high yourself like when i'm in my higher self
10:25:35 and i'm and too anticipating I can be grounded and calm and compassionate, and centered and connected and map out a much better afternoon with my daughter.
10:25:47 Then, if i'm in some the activity that I have to let's say I didn't plan, and now I have to manage her. I have to manage me in the state of disconnection.
10:25:59 Of. Oh, my God, she is having a meltdown I didn't think of this!
10:26:03 And now I have to manage without going into firefighter.
10:26:06 Both her agitation and mine about this breakdown in her body that's happening called I haven't eaten in i'm melting.
10:26:15 Hmm. does that make sense? yeah no I hear what You're saying I also.
10:26:19 So what we're talking into right now, feels really timely and I just want to bring it in here right so like we're talking about terms.
10:26:25 Yes, right, and in that terms, you're clarifying what you're language means and I have the opportunity to clarify what my language means. And so we're talking about similar energetics that we both experience but
10:26:36 we might use different language and resonate with different language like I'm not gonna call mine a manager I want.
10:26:42 I don't want a manager inside me And and like part of what I part of this whole thing that we're doing is like, I want.
10:26:49 I want people that were that are listening to us and working with us, at least for myself, to have the freedom to build the language that is theirs. This is lovely.
10:26:59 So this is like the individuation. from my concept to your personal experience, and how you want a language it and the invitation to anybody who's listening to do the same.
10:27:09 It's like we're in we're in motion we're in the action of doing it. that's lovely.
10:27:14 That's lively But so coming back to this idea of parts right?
10:27:19 So I I really like the idea of parts. I have always looked at parts.
10:27:27 I really like the the visual of like a Russian doll.
10:27:32 Just like the, you know, like this tiny center doll. And then they like these little, the bigger and bigger and bigger, like casings around that.
10:27:40 And I think of that, that tiny center doll is like it's like the original doll.
10:27:45 It's like the this is like this is like the original signature that I bring into the world right?
10:27:50 So I always think of infant. it's like this is like and maybe not even postnatal infant.
10:27:56 This might be in utero infant right like the original casing of of the human form, and that every experience that I have in my life, especially significant experiences, Build a new doll right and each doll is unique in its size, and
10:28:18 scope, but it's still like built in the same shape as that original dull and it's built in a way that is meant to hold that original doll, that original that original like core essence and in that in casement
10:28:32 like every single aspect that evolves outwards or grows outwards, or is built outwards.
10:28:40 At its core is there to in case and protect what's beneath it, and that protection can take many many different forms.
10:28:51 But if i'm bringing this back into like this idea of safe and unsafe and I actually I love what you said about about safety in terms of like the embodied reality of like what safety feels like for you I
10:29:04 wanna take a moment here and just invite in that like anybody that's here listening to this there's a question.
10:29:12 It's like what is safety to you right cause like we.
10:29:16 We have ideas of what safety is, and understanding of what it is for us, and those may resonate completely with you, or they might not.
10:29:27 And so what is it for you? right? And then, okay, I mentioned in the beginning like this thing with mountain biking and like freezing up and ending up, going over the handle bars, etc.
10:29:38 And, like my obsession with safety, has come from feeling very unsafe, and actually choosing environments, where I felt very unsafe for a long time.
10:29:51 And I won't go into like the analysis of why or how I?
10:29:56 Why I chose to do those things, but it was so.
10:29:58 This piece of what is it? What is safe to me in my body?
10:30:04 And then what's the opposite of that so i'm hung up on something.
10:30:10 Go ahead. I am wondering if I, Elden, knew what I know now.
10:30:16 At the top of that bike. Yeah, adventure what what?
10:30:26 I've done differently. how would I have worked with my body.
10:30:32 Could I have worked with my body would I have needed to give up the jump like because it's interesting because safety on that jump to me was I've got to get really focused.
10:30:40 I gotta get really breathed. i'm gonna do this I really want to do this. it's not safe.
10:30:46 But I want to tell my body if you will work with me and just. we're in this together.
10:30:50 And let's stay really focused and alert and energetically aligned. and I think we could get down it.
10:30:56 I just wonder what you what like what you and again this would have been.
10:31:01 You could have called this your merchant nurture I might have called it your yeah your manager is saying, Okay, you parts I'm right, or I don't think a higher self.
10:31:14 I don't even know if this is true but the idea like I really want this.
10:31:17 It is a human desire it's not a spiritual desire it's a human desire, and i'm gonna work to see if my whole body I can work with it to get an alignment to do this and not freeze that's my
10:31:29 curiosity. Yeah, I don't even I don't even know. I mean so we're we're back.
10:31:36 You brought back in like the let's talk about the 4 Fs.
10:31:38 A little bit, because that feels like really relevant. right?
10:31:39 So so for me. when I make experience when i'm experiencing a lack of safety when I feel unsafe in my in my system, right, I was gonna say body, but it's beyond the body right it's inclusive of
10:31:53 the body, but not isolated to the body so when my system feels unsafe.
10:32:01 I am going to personally. i've noticed this to be true experience.
10:32:06 Some energy of the 4 apps. So fight for me tends to feel like a rising expanding, getting bigger and in that rising, expanding, getting bigger and like, there's a lot of like there's a lot of like energy that wants to
10:32:23 move out of me like I want to take up more space in that i'm.
10:32:28 Also usually feeling small. So these there's this Dichotomy. so I feel small.
10:32:38 So I get big right. that's one thing that happens to me. Another thing that happens to me is I might freeze when I start to freeze I will feel like everything is moving fast around me.
10:32:51 But I will feel very slow. My mind tends to go blank, but not in a good way.
10:32:59 I will oftentimes feel slightly disoriented or confused.
10:33:06 I tend to feel like kind of the opposite of that like outward going energy.
10:33:13 It's like there's like a vibration that like kind of comes into my body.
10:33:18 Everything stops and comes in. looks like it retracts Yeah. and I I can. One of the ways that I can track track all of this.
10:33:27 Is just noticing, what's happening with my shoulders right? So in in the fight response in general my chest tends to puff out and my head tends to go forward a little bit in the freeze response I
10:33:40 do the it's kind of the opposite I tend to cave in.
10:33:44 I pull myself in a little bit, and this happens so when I when I say I puff out my chest and I cave in my chest and pull myself in those aren't things that i'm thinking about there are things that just
10:33:58 happen, and they can happen in big ways or subtle ways depending on the intensity of the situation.
10:34:04 But the more that i'm aware of that the more that I am capable of understanding where I am in the in the risk, the safe or unsafe state right is just to speak to it.
10:34:15 Like we're using these 2 terms to identify what we would call like poles.
10:34:19 Right. so on one pole is like complete safety, and on the other pole is complete.
10:34:22 Lack of safety or unsafe my experience in myself is I very rarely am experiencing one poll or the other in isolation.
10:34:32 Usually i'm somewhere in between and sometimes i'm experiencing safety on one aspect of myself, and a lack of safety and another aspect, and it's just like which one and so it's a constant dancing that
10:34:44 It's very dynamic and I want to make sure that that's understood for myself and anybody else.
10:34:49 So we had the fight, the freeze so when when i'm experiencing a flea.
10:34:56 It's like my attention goes in the opposite direction of wherever i'm at, and that might be purely in my mind right where it's like i'm listening to something that I don't for whatever reason feel safe listening to and I go
10:35:10 somewhere else. it could be more in my body where it's just like I have this itch to get away from wherever i'm at.
10:35:18 I need to go somewhere. and for me it feels like my attention leaves.
10:35:26 The present is kind of like that that is, that is my biggest, like flea flea stimulus.
10:35:33 For myself personally. And then the last of the 4 is fun, and the phone is also called like appeasing often.
10:35:42 And this is like, and I see this everywhere. I feel like We've all learned to do this in like really big ways.
10:35:48 I know it's true for myself. it's like I will So one of the places is actually comes up for me and fawn for me comes from a very similar stimulus to both fight excuse me both freeze and
10:36:04 flea, and it developed from situations in which I did not or could not freeze, and I did not or could not flee to create safety.
10:36:21 So like, say, like as a kid I wanna run away and I'm grabbed.
10:36:27 And I can't run away or I shut down and i'm getting yelled at because I shut down and so I have to learn how to take care of the other person's experience to appease their experience
10:36:38 so that I can stay safe. and for me that energy Typically, again, it's like an abandonment of myself.
10:36:47 I become hyper focused on what the other person is doing, saying or feeling oftentimes is becoming completely discounted from my own body.
10:36:54 So I feel like I feel disconnected from myself.
10:36:59 I typically feel invisible or like, really, really tiny.
10:37:05 I get really uncomfortable with anybody putting focus on me and in my box I I tend to feel absent like That's that's kind of like what I would say like from a from a sensation.
10:37:20 Perspective. it's like it's like my sensations get dampened like they're clouded like I I don't have full contact with them.
10:37:29 So those are. Those are kind of the 4 fs from me.
10:37:32 Do you want to share anything about the fourfs for you, mum?
10:37:36 Well, I i've always thought of myself as a freezer like i'll get numb I will not be able to think
10:37:46 I will have no access to memory, thought i'm just I I feel like i'm a bumbling idiot at this moment, or just silent, and I can't even talk with the appease fawn
10:38:03 I have an experience of like how focused on the other like it.
10:38:09 The awareness that, my assessing their temperament, their mood, their actions, becomes the entire focus.
10:38:21 So so I don't I mean the idea that I have to abandon my needs.
10:38:31 But I don't feel like I have been in my body I feel like my body goes on hyperbole to take care of the other, so I can be safe And again, as You've been saying, this is not all conscious I mean
10:38:43 yeah, very aware of, and people who are listening to this may go I don't know
10:38:52 So I I like that. we're discussing it because our examples might spark some some awareness to just start noticing start paying attention, which is the goal of the safety wheel and the the exercises I
10:39:09 don't the my citing I can remember as a kid getting in fights primarily with my sister.
10:39:19 I I didn't like fighting fighting always scared me and being the youngest of for kids all who are for 9 and 10 years older than me fighting. just felt like that's really stupid not gonna win.
10:39:34 Don't go there and go there so yeah wanting freezing or fleeing, and link for me.
10:39:44 Is, I just disappearing like I I don't even announce that I just go do something else.
10:39:52 But like go take care of or I would draw from something, and just say, no, i'm not interested. so fleeing I I haven't had to have situations where I literally have to run to be safe
10:40:07 but I I would say that there are times. like mine morning. walks that's kind of in some ways playing the whole situation, just saying that everybody I can't do anybody right now. This is me so I don't know if
10:40:21 that's like that could be considered fleeing on one end or really good self-care in the other depending upon the other.
10:40:28 People's, desires or needs so I want to be careful with that.
10:40:38 Because, yeah, please, Because what I just heard was creating like making it about somebody else.
10:40:45 What your what your response was. right and so I feel like I mean, maybe that can be true for you.
10:40:53 But i'm wondering if, like does someone else determine what my what my response is like.
10:41:01 If I know that I need to go and i'm not running away from something.
10:41:07 But instead, like taking care of myself, that feels different for me than then, like the flea of like, I have to get away like i'm running away.
10:41:18 Okay, let me let me do it so I to me there's the environmental physical, But let's say I wake up in the morning in this beautiful home.
10:41:29 And I look around, and there's a lot of 2 dues and those 2 dos feel oppressive.
10:41:34 So good self care is i'm taking myself for a walk to go into the hills and breathe and be in nature, and be rejuvenated.
10:41:43 But I'm also fleeing back the mental this is now my internal landscape, the mental have to of a home. and being a homemaker, and taking care of things.
10:41:57 So it's a little tutor tighter here yes, and yes, the telling a part of me that says, taking care of the home or the family of the situation as a mother or nurture or homeowner is more important
10:42:16 than your need for walk. So so it is really working with in my parts that is made up ideas about who I should be, and I I could have actually handed that to my husband.
10:42:32 My kids, my grandkids, the house, and go. You have that power over me.
10:42:37 So I again. it's an internal system that i've set up that i'm having to look at so I just it.
10:42:46 I I think this is important because it's the nuances of all of our different parts and beliefs that we've made up about how we're supposed to be or who we're supposed to be or whatever role, we've taken
10:42:59 on that there's definitions of how it's supposed to be versus what's in our highest and best So what you just spoke to is something that is like very interesting and up for me.
10:43:16 So when I hear the supposed to and should what I hear is appeasement?
10:43:23 Oh, yeah, yeah, that all feels like fawning to me. Thank you.
10:43:28 Yeah, it does right. and So when that's up right so if I go into fun, right?
10:43:32 So fun to in this is mine so don't don't take this, if it's not yours.
10:43:37 But when i'm in fun, what I know is that there is a response, cause, Okay, let's back.
10:43:44 I'm gonna back up for a sec. I actually like physically backed up when I Okay, So we we start.
10:43:53 I started talking about like we have these polls of safe and unsafe and oftentimes we're like somewhere in between.
10:43:59 Right it's not like fully one of the other and so we started off talking about like what safety is is in our in our bodies, right?
10:44:08 If you shared an example that feels very resonant for me? So i'm just gonna go with that and then brought in this thing of like, Okay, So what about the opposite like, What is it to be unsafe right And then
10:44:21 we bring in these 4 f's and the fourf's to me are all indicators that my system doesn't feel safe.
10:44:30 Hmm. Right So when the for when any one of the 4 fs are up, I recognize that some aspect of me is telling me some part is telling me I don't feel safe right now.
10:44:49 And so the Ogs right the original the originals fight. it's a flight freeze like these are like the most in my my experience of them is that those are the most primal of these reactions.
10:45:04 When I use the word primal what I mean is that they don't have to be learned.
10:45:08 They're intrinsic They're built into like deep levels of my nervous system.
10:45:13 I know at some level how to do these things right.
10:45:18 The appeasement. The funding feels like a learned behavior.
10:45:23 Hmm. Right So a kid like i'm gonna go back to infancy right?
10:45:29 And like like, Take this, sit with it i'm not saying this is true for anybody else.
10:45:33 But it feels true for me as a kid i'm hungry right.
10:45:42 That hunger, Bill, like I react to my hunger.
10:45:44 I scream, I cry, I thrash about if I get fed I calm down, and I learned that it's safe for me to scream if I crash and like thrash about right, which is kind of an embodiment of these
10:45:57 responses in some context. right I can't run away so I have to just get loud.
10:46:01 If i'm not fed and instead, like maybe I yelled at or put into isolation, I learned that those behaviors are not okay.
10:46:17 My primal behaviors are not okay, and I learned that in order to get what I need to eat right food just being a really like.
10:46:25 And there's so many different places that this plays out foods just a really tangible example.
10:46:29 Then I will learn how to meet the needs of the other people and to appease them so that I can get what I need.
10:46:38 Right so for me is that is that landing and making sense well, i'm just taking it to a baby.
10:46:45 And thinking the baby probably won't appease the baby will probably begin to freeze and go numb, because he or she will have to dissociate from the feelings in his or her body to be able to tolerate
10:47:01 the discomfort of the hunger and yeah I'm.
10:47:07 I. I was just trying when you were doing a piece. I was thinking in the animal kingdom.
10:47:11 Do I have any images of like you know like a baby tiger ming for mommy when mummy's gotten, madam, you know he's bitter nipple too hard, and she you know slaps him and in
10:47:35 his whimpering, and is that an impasing like I'm Sorry i'm sorry.
10:47:41 Let me back at the nipple so I was just. I I was just wondering if and so maybe i'm speaking to taking it too far by saying it's not.
10:47:53 It's not like a a primal response, or is less primal. I I think it's true that we've more recently identified it as a survival method but i'm not so sure that because we just
10:48:11 identified it recently, not you and I but in the the world psychology that it hasn't actually been here.
10:48:19 So okay, let's I think what you just brought in is good.
10:48:26 And I also want to circle back to thank you for for catching my language and helping me shift it.
10:48:35 When I feel into a piece in the sense that I was that i'm i'm wanting to speak to you for myself.
10:48:41 It's this energy of I don't feel safe but i'm gonna stay here anyway, and so I need to change what i'm doing in big ways to prioritize other people so that I can be safer in this .
10:48:59 Unsafe environment, because I depend on you for my safety in this case I can't feed myself.
10:49:04 I'm a baby. so I have to debate on you? so in that interaction with you, what can I do with the interaction?
10:49:10 They have to help you get safe for me and it's a to me.
10:49:17 It's like it's a really it can be really Sticky?
10:49:20 Yes, and it's especially sticky in relationships I use that word and like kind of like the big the big R context in terms of like like interpersonal relationships as a whole.
10:49:37 Whether it's like some like just one. on One or like a family, or like a neighborhood or a city, or like a general collective right, like oftentimes in my experience, These my experience is that most relationships are built on a
10:49:56 hierarchy yeah I mean i'lla carolyn Mace. she's that what we're doing here on this planet is learning to manage power.
10:50:07 And second, second energy system of relationship, power, dynamic everything. everything in life is a power dynamic.
10:50:14 So i. totally high 5 U. one, I totally agree.
10:50:19 And so in that there's always like whoever has the most power is the one who ends up being appeased, and those who feel disempowered or less powerful like child. It could be a child.
10:50:32 It could be a parent, the child could easily be the one who has the power depends on like the dynamic of a any given relationship.
10:50:39 We end up when we feel less powerful appeasing the other the other individual or individuals, in order to be to feel safe. right? so like coming back to like where we got off on this little tangent.
10:50:51 Mom, you were talking about like, Am I running away? if I need to go for my walk right?
10:50:57 You staying, and I I remember this right I can be like mommy.
10:50:59 Mommy don't go, mommy, mommy don't go and like it's in all of our best interests for you to go for your walk, and I remember like used to say what was it.
10:51:08 Like. Do you want a happy mommy or a grumpy mommy?
10:51:13 Right and it's like Well, I really actually don't want to grumpy mommy.
10:51:16 Okay, like let me go manage my feelings like nurture myself over here in the corner while you go for your walk.
10:51:21 I'm gonna cry for a little bit but i'll be okay, but you leave, and i'm playing and then you come back and where everybody's happy right
10:51:30 But you staying would be like giving me the power, right, and not even to make that wrong right.
10:51:37 So in this is actually this is a good point to pause at. Nope.
10:51:43 I I wanna be really careful that we're not saying that safety is good, and lack of safety is bad.
10:51:50 That's a biggie that's a hard concept to to. but it's really important right So it's like, cause I do this right like I want to feel safe all the time but i'm a living being in
10:52:03 a world that's not safe all the time and so that's not. It's not a realistic like thing to to strive for, and if I identify safety as good and lack of safety as bad anytime one of those
10:52:16 responses is comes up i'm gonna think there's something wrong with me.
10:52:21 Yeah, right? right? Because I I wanna be good right right especially in a society that's built built on original sin and good and bad as binary like good and evil.
10:52:34 Right which here in the us like that's the the general society that we live in, whether we I personally identify with it or not.
10:52:41 It's here, and it's impacting our our views impact in my view.
10:52:48 Let me speak from the I. sorry. well and just. if we could expand this so first energy center in my world is tribal power, so it has to do with.
10:52:57 I wanna belong to the tribe what are the codes of the tribe for me to be able to belong so to me it's even bigger than good or or bad.
10:53:06 It's what will help me belong sure like which is again. a part of safety, and then we get binary as you're putting.
10:53:16 It is good or bad, but it's okay reductionistic view of
10:53:21 When the primary need is to belong to which is Why, we are doing wired for connection, like we're wired to the long and be part of the group.
10:53:33 And what is the group, whether it's values that we then said I'm!
10:53:37 Good if I have this value so I can belong to this group.
10:53:42 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
10:53:52 And in in that there's this thread that i'm like feeling and wanting wanting to just pull in.
10:54:00 So I'm actually gonna pull up the safety well i'm gonna share my screen.
10:54:05 I'm gonna pull this up for anybody that's watching this for anybody that's just listening to it. the safety Will is a there is a link to be able to download a copy of it in your show.
10:54:17 Note so definitely. Take a look at it. So we have.
10:54:20 We have our safety wheel here, and the safety wheel at the center is safe and unsafe right when we're experiencing.
10:54:34 So my my aim for everybody like truly, is that we feel safe as much of the time as we can.
10:54:41 I like safety, I and I also like being able to go and explore something that is not safe so long as I can all come back to safety right.
10:54:54 But I wanna be able to have safety as my home base where I can rest, recover, rejuvenate.
10:55:02 Learn heal or integrate. I guess I like going into situations that might be less than safe or other than say, if I should say not a more and less, but just an other than to learn like I go I go do things that are
10:55:18 hard or challenging, or feel uncomfortable, etc., and like I learned there.
10:55:23 But I want to come back to safety to integrate that so safe and unsafe at the core of this wheel Right!
10:55:31 And they make up, they they expand outward through the whole wheel.
10:55:35 Right. Safe and unsafe are are the field of the wheel.
10:55:38 If you will, right and again separating safe from right and unsafe from wrong, and letting these just be the field right.
10:55:49 It's like Maybe we say like maybe for me like I feel safest during daytime, when the sun is out, and I feel the most unsafe at night when there's no sun, it doesn't make the night bad just means that I
10:56:04 feel safer during the day right and so if that's true like What do I need to be able to relax at night? Right?
10:56:14 Maybe I don't feel safe being out like in the fields or on the street at night, but I feel very safe at home, cuddled up in my bed with my partner right? so can I nurture that so I I bring the the right wrong
10:56:24 thing back in, because I want to really clearly state that for myself, and I invite anybody else.
10:56:30 This resonates with. To like to engage. this is, that when a lack of safety, when I feel unsafe, I am not doing anything wrong.
10:56:42 I am receiving input that something needs to change? if I want to be safe.
10:56:50 What if I want to feel safe? nice? it's just a feedback loop is what you're without valuation is what you're trying to do?
10:56:58 So since we have the wheel up, I want to.
10:57:01 I want to zoom back out to what you had just brought in mom around like kind of first energy center, like collective collective identity, collective power.
10:57:10 And so when I when I feel into that i'm going out to environment right right, and so environment exists at the outside edge of the safety wheel, right?
10:57:21 And it exists there for a purpose, because our environment shows us and shapes us.
10:57:32 So you talked about like kind of collective codes, right?
10:57:34 And so, as as young beings, we like receive the coding of our environment.
10:57:41 We receive like what's acceptable what's not what's supported?
10:57:47 What's not, what do basically like what do we need to do to be able to belong? right?
10:57:52 And that belonging is at its core. a the state of safety right when I'm.
10:57:58 When I belong. I am safe, right and that's just one aspect right? right.
10:58:08 Do you have anything you want to add to that well it's just interesting, because, let's say you start in the in the middle ?
10:58:16 You and you. you go out to the environment. You have thoughts and feelings about the environment and sensations about the environment.
10:58:24 And now that comes all the way back into the internal rings of the circle without having to be in the environment itself.
10:58:35 It's like you've internalized the environment so I just yeah address that.
10:58:42 Yes, yes, and so the wheel is built again on the field of safety and and lack of safety, safe and unsafe.
10:58:52 The further string is environment. The closest ring is sensations. right?
10:58:56 Cause the the body. The body's language is that of sensations right that's That's how I think of it.
10:59:02 I think of sensations being like the most foundational it's like It's like letters are to the alphabet sensations are to the body's language, right? and then, and so since we have safe sensations and we have
10:59:19 unsafe sensations, and when we use this like there's 2 ways that we can look at this right so safe sensations can be, and are for me sensations that I identify with my my system, feeling safe right so I have a state
10:59:38 of safety. These sensations are here. This is what I associate with a state of safety oppositionally.
10:59:46 If in a state of lack of safety or unsafe.
10:59:51 There are sensations that I associate with that right. There are also sensations that I associate as being safe sensations, not in the context of like.
11:00:05 I feel safe, but more in the context of like it's Okay, to feel these.
11:00:12 And then there are sensations that I I have learned to deem as it's not okay to feel these right.
11:00:18 I like to bring a sexuality into this right? So I had at a very early age learn to identify, when sexual sensations or sensual sensations erotic sensations.
11:00:33 Just basically any sensations that down in my pelvis, when they were safe and when they were not, which was situational, based on what was happening around me.
11:00:44 Right So in a in one environment it's okay to feel that in another it's not right.
11:00:49 And so I I placed on these sensations. values of safe or unsafe, which can and can and are pulled pulled away over time right where it's.
11:01:04 That that can change, I guess, is what i'm trying to Say,
11:01:07 Do you want to add anything to that well I I you're bringing up the theme or idea that I was on which is where the environment is always.
11:01:23 We're always in an interchange with environment like, even in utero. the environment of our mother's placenta starts us off with sensations and we may not have a and body areas.
11:01:40 And actions. We may not have thought yet I don't really know but it's just interesting how and now you're bringing in sexuality or sensuality.
11:01:48 So we're always in in the environmental interplay with all the sections all the way down to the core.
11:01:55 Just to add that just to expand, expand it just a little bit.
11:02:03 So like I used like eroticism, sexuality sensuality as an example, just because it feels like it's highly charged and like, maybe easier to access from like a non conceptual way.
11:02:14 But that interplay is everywhere, right, like what you just said.
11:02:19 Like our environment. which just to offer a definition to environment and the way that we're using it here is just anything outside of outside of myself.
11:02:29 Is constantly influencing and programming me and has been forever right, conscious there unconsciously, So we have our we have our sensations which again, like I I think of as the building
11:02:44 blocks of the body's language right the alphabet if you will, and then we move out to emotions and emotions to me are again like we can have safe and unsafe emotions which just like sensations I can have emotions that
11:02:56 I associate with safety and emotions that I associate with lack of safety, and I can also have emotions that just feel like it's safe to have them situationally, and emotions that don't feel like it's safe to
11:03:09 have them situationally like common example is like this whole idea that boys don't cry right So the emotions of sadness for a boy might begin to feel unsafe, depending on where they are.
11:03:26 Maybe they can cry with their mom. Maybe they can't maybe they can cry with one friend.
11:03:32 Maybe they can't but in a different context like classroom Nope.
11:03:37 Not crying with dad, not crying with mom not crying right and it depends right.
11:03:41 I'm giving these examples like these are all personal they're based on someone's individual experience.
11:03:47 And i'm just offering examples that feel true for me. I think of emotions as hmm it's kind of like the tone, and like delivery of sensations.
11:04:01 Right so for thinking of it in terms of language it's like the the tone, and the vibe of a conversation that's happening.
11:04:09 The way that sentences are struggling together the way that they are spoken.
11:04:12 Like those feel like emotions in the body to me and i'd like to add on the female side, most girls are brought up with.
11:04:23 You can't get angry hmm so the you know angry talking back.
11:04:29 You know, getting a mouth washed out with so getting slapped for saying things.
11:04:35 So boys have sadness or fear and that isn't aren't allowed in girls typically in my growing decades.
11:04:45 It was always girls who can't aren't allowed to be angry Hmm!
11:04:49 Hmm and go ahead. Go ahead and Now we have the mean girls who've taken it to the extreme.
11:04:59 But But yeah. So one of the things that feels like it's needs to be brought in here is the impact of time.
11:05:12 Yes, on all of these right, cause like what you just brought in was speaking to generationality right?
11:05:19 So we're both speaking about these things from our particular placement in our own generations, right, which is so important to acknowledge, because, like you just said, like it changes and over time it will change a
11:05:35 lot, and so part of like this wheel at its essence is a tool and a process to explore a spectrum of what safe and unsafe are to you.
11:05:50 In your current placement in time, in our current placement in time and our current placement and experience, etc.
11:05:57 At a personal level. So this is not a tool that's telling you what safety and lack of safety are for you. It's a tool to help you explore what those realities are in, your own system and to begin to be able
11:06:10 to work with your states of safety and lack of safety in ways that support you in, and those who you love and care about in nurturing connective relationships.
11:06:24 That allow for your states of safety and lack of safety to receive what they need.
11:06:31 Right and that's really what this is all about so as we're talking.
11:06:36 It's like hopefully what we say lands in a way that helps you to understand, to to move towards a deeper understanding of yourself.
11:06:45 And please don't take anything that we say as just being an absolute truth for for you or anybody else.
11:06:54 Yeah, it just feels important, right .
11:06:58 So from a emotions we go out to body areas and actions and so like, if sensations are, are the the alphabet, and emotions are the tones and and vibes?
11:07:19 Of what we create. Well, then, like the actual creations, happen through our body. areas and actions like muscles, stiff and mux muscles relax, muscles move our joints.
11:07:28 We adopt postures and these different areas and actions of these areas.
11:07:36 May our associate with safety like I talked earlier about for me like when I feel like a lack of safety oftentimes i'm either getting bigger or i'm getting smaller and I say, or and I don't even know if
11:07:51 it's an either, or it's usually like it's a both, an it's kind of like a dynamic interplay.
11:07:55 But those are those are ways that I that I experience that, and depending on the emotions that i'm having, like not every time that I hunch over, do I feel unsafe right.
11:08:08 I might be sad, and it might be okay to be sad.
11:08:12 In that moment, and i'm still curling in on myself right and that's okay.
11:08:19 It's not it's not even it's not even because my environment's unsafe, I might actually feel very safe to do that in a particular environment, right?
11:08:27 Which is an experience that I wish for everybody for me.
11:08:32 It took a long time to find that again, after having it in childhood.
11:08:37 And then there's other body areas and actions that that don't feel safe.
11:08:43 Right. Do you have anything you want to add to that mom?
11:08:47 No, I think you did a good job. Okay? and then we have thoughts safe and unsafe.
11:08:56 No, I wanna hand this one to you. I feel like I really like listening to you.
11:09:01 Talk about thoughts, and like safety and lack of safety, and thought.
11:09:06 So when you, when you consider the for yourself like, how would you go into that?
11:09:10 Well for me. some of this safe and unsafe starts like primarily like just responses that and it's only over time when we start developing a brain that can think and assess, and that as we're doing you
11:09:29 know as we're in an environment. we're being taught certain things that we either take in as safety for us to survive or lack of safety, and given what's your environment defines is safe.
11:09:45 We'll have a lot to do with how you think and such in in my world.
11:09:56 Control us a lot more than we actually pay attention to.
11:10:04 And I can remember working with this woman Byron, Katie, and her.
11:10:07 She had a concept called loving what is, and I I thought of hers.
11:10:11 If therapist and she had concepts. Is that thought true?
11:10:19 Is it really to prove it? How do you feel when you have that thought, and how do you feel If you let that thought go?
11:10:26 And the idea of being conscious that our thoughts create feelings and body physiology of safety versus lack of safety.
11:10:38 And it is so crucial and that if we're raised in a a certain way of thinking like for instance, I was saying, girls, aren't supposed to get angry.
11:10:52 I was taught. girls aren't supposed to be angry you are supposed to appeal pointing to earlier, and that that will keep you safer.
11:11:03 So the idea that then I scanned for appeasing and lose track of the internalized. this doesn't feel good to be appeasing It pisses me off.
11:11:15 Actually i'm mad at appeasing a part of niece mad that i'm appeasing, and another part is is telling me if you don't appease you're gonna get in worse trouble So now I
11:11:23 have this little war within my own got patterns going at it, and the idea of like, How can I take a step back?
11:11:35 Look at. these are just 2 different thought patterns and if i'm breathing and grounding and looking at these thoughts and going through a process of Is that really true?
11:11:48 Is it really true? prove it. I can oftentimes disconnects me from the thought.
11:11:55 See where it came from. See that it doesn't feel good and the idea that it's not feeling good.
11:12:03 I always refer to people i've studied so this is another Candace per who molecules of emotion, and she talked about how that are, are cellular structures are wired for in risk receptor sites for
11:12:20 endorphins. So the idea of like Why, don't we feel better when we have all these endorphin receptor sites.
11:12:28 Well, you have to have good feelings and good feeling thoughts to be able to create endorphins.
11:12:35 So I just thought that was fascinating that our body physiology even says this notion of feeling good is an okay feeling rather than again. how I was raised. You know being a hard work work work work work do you do that's how
11:12:51 you get points that whole achievement esteem in our in my environment, that was survival in my family.
11:13:01 And just absorbing it without even knowing I was so it's.
11:13:07 I I just think it's interesting how we absorb things unconsciously, and it's only through exercises like these, or that we start looking at what is actually running our bodies in our lives and thoughts have a lot to
11:13:21 do with it, because wait, absorb thoughts we believe they're true.
11:13:30 We go along and questioning them and They can get us in trouble, or they can.
11:13:35 Lead us out of trouble lead us to safety at least a side of safety. So I don't know if that was a how that landed or if it No, I I think it's really good I love everything that you just
11:13:49 said, and it leads me to something, and I feel like thoughts.
11:13:54 So there's a reason that environments on the outside and there's a reason that thoughts are right inside of it.
11:14:00 And, like you just said, thoughts end up forming our association with the container of our lives.
11:14:08 Right. And so, when I think when I think of a sensation, or I associate a sensation as being safe or unsafe, that comes from the realm of thoughts, it's an association right same thing with body areas.
11:14:23 and actions, emotions, etc. right and it's really important for me to understand that like you just said that, like my thoughts are my thoughts are a result of my experience with my environment.
11:14:41 Right, And what and past history, not only your own, but genetic.
11:14:49 Lineage, and so like our we are programmed by the container of our society right?
11:15:01 And it was interesting what you were just sharing about endorphins, and it leads me.
11:15:05 What it led me to is this: Oh, well, our our environment has not been built to keep us safe.
11:15:15 Our environment has, like the the the vast majority of our like cultural environment, has been built around basically creating profit, achievement.
11:15:31 And in that achievement like that achievement, has nothing to do with our safety.
11:15:34 Internally like the safety of our sensations, emotions and body areas and actions, And so it's no surprise to me then, that we would be basically like not producing the endorphins that we could produce if we were
11:15:49 feeling like safe as a as a base level. right? So my experience of myself and most people is that the base, if left unexamined, is more unsafe than safe, base state like that that field is more the majority than not right
11:16:07 which shows up in the news. It shows up I mean it shows up anywhere that you look if you're paying attention to it.
11:16:14 If i'm paying attention to it it shows up and so we've talked about environment, the whole time, So I don't feel like I need to go into environment in more depth.
11:16:24 But I wanna as we're kind of closing up for today.
11:16:28 Just go a little bit more into like war this wheel is intended for right, which we've talked about.
11:16:33 But I wanna speak to it directly that this this tool and process is a tool for self evaluation and reflection.
11:16:42 And, as I say, evaluation I want to be careful with that, because I don't mean that.
11:16:47 And like a hierarchical context, it's not like yeah.
11:16:50 So self-awareness and reflection. And so the idea is to begin tracking and looking at this field of safety and lack of safety.
11:17:06 From the aspects of body, sensations, emotions, body areas, and actions, thoughts and environment, and to begin to to learn and understand.
11:17:19 For ourselves what safety actually exists, as and what lack of safety actually exists, as in real intangible ways.
11:17:30 The intent being that this information supports us in cultivating more connective relationships to both ourselves and those whom we love and care about.
11:17:42 Right with that I also wanna speak to like. So some of us like to use this tool as like say, like you just wanna like, use this for yourself like by yourself.
11:17:57 That might be great for someone who has has a baseline experience of working with sensations.
11:18:03 Emotions. thought forms and body. physiology stuff if you don't have that baseline This is something that I would probably recommend like having some support with we're building a course like a full curriculum that goes along
11:18:20 with this to guide the process. the one pager that you're gonna be able to receive with this podcast is is basically just kind of like a precursor to that That course is not fully built yet.
11:18:33 It is going to be available in the near future. so you can stay tuned.
11:18:40 And then both Mom, you, Donna, and myself also offer. We do this work in in private containers.
11:18:49 And so I know, Mom, your availability is usually fairly sparse.
11:18:54 As you're in high demand my availability is a little bit more open.
11:19:00 And so if someone wanted to go into this and explore how to use this wheel for themselves, and what might be possible in using it. that is something that we're here for.
11:19:10 Yes, the last piece that I want to just speak to
11:19:17 If you go to the landing page that's linked on the safety wheel on this podcast wired for connection dot life for slash, safety wheel, safety hyphen wheel.
11:19:32 You'll see an image a video of the wheel in motion.
11:19:35 This wheel is not static. All of these, all of these rings are in motion.
11:19:41 And that motion is is dynamic. So what safe now might become unsafe later, and vice versa, depending on all kinds of things in our internal and external being so invalid, internal and
11:19:59 environment external. So just wanna put that in here, because that feels really important to always acknowledge this is not static.
11:20:06 It is dynamic good. I like that. Anything else that you want to add today.
11:20:13 Mom, just love doing this with you. I think this is very valuable for ourselves.
11:20:20 Our own awareness, and anybody who can find their way to us.
11:20:23 Want to put the word out. Just keep coming in people here to help cool. Well, i'm excited about this.
11:20:31 This feels like i've been working towards this for a long time, I know you have as well, so it feels really cool to have it.
11:20:41 Kind of landing in a tangible form that feels like digestible and shareable.
11:20:46 Yes, yes, yes, and I love doing the podcast, and having the the the wheel page.